The first couple years of my sobriety I was lost with my direction in life. I didn’t really know what I wanted, and I didn’t feel I had any passions to follow. Life seemed gray and dull. I felt like I was in a limbo and my life was waiting to start but I couldn’t figure out how and where to start it. The alcohol and drug addiction had taken away the ability to listen to myself and the ability to hear what I desired in life. If I ever had those abilities to begin with.
Little did I know, under the surface there was something growing, something inside me was waking up. At first, I couldn’t hear the subtle whispers coming from inside because I was in such a buzzy state of a mind full of fear, shame and guilt. I was just trying to survive with all of it, so I pushed those silly little noises away. Then I started feeling more anxious and there was this powerful energy spinning in me I didn’t know what to do with. The whispers build up to become roars and finally I had no other choice than to pay attention to them. I had to figure out the conflicts they caused. So, I started working on trusting life and how to be free by excepting change.
But I was so confused. I felt this new weird direction taking on inside of me. Often when I meditated I saw visions of how my life could be. But it was nothing I was used to and who I was used to be. I was afraid of change. Many times, I thought I was going crazy too. Guilt and fear were putting on the break. I was holding more tight to the old and blaming myself of silly daydreaming. I had all kinds off harsh thoughts stopping me from working towards my new exciting visions of how my life could be. I felt like letting my passions and visions lead me would just get me lonely, broke and full of regret when I’m old. I was to stop this new nonsense and be “smart”.
Luckily, I have been able to listen to my inner wisdom better lately. There are these questions that my kundalini yoga teacher Inderjit Kaur Khalsa made her class ask of themselves. These couple questions really helped me to listen and to accept the tides of change and constant flow inside me:
What emotions do you get when you orient your thoughts on what you want? Do you see obstacles on your way? What are they? Why are not you already where you want to be?
Time to time I get into a comfortable position and meditate on these questions. Sometimes I do this visualization I learned in one of Inderjits classes where I sit on a small hill facing on a river. The river is flowing vigorously and on the other side I see that thing I’m going towards. I look at the stream and I wait. I wait, and the stream starts to slow down. When the river is calm I wade across the river where I visioned my goal to be and enjoy the feeling of gratitude and accomplishment.
By asking these questions and doing the visualization I have found the joy of letting my mind wonder so it can find and map out new things to go towards. Im capable of enjoying the entire process and wonder of change.
Wishing you a lovely flowing day full of creativity,
Your Sober Friend