The addiction ripped my soul apart piece by piece. Recovery from addiction has been integrating those lost pieces of my soul back to one. This has reminded me a lot of Voldemort’s Horcruxes. A Horcrux is an object in which a Dark wizard or witch has hidden a fragment of his or her soul for the purpose of attaining immortality. Horcruxes can only be created after committing murder, the supreme act of evil. My Horcruxes where created by addiction and their purpose was to attain immortality not for me but for the addiction. The addiction made me act against my true self and so my soul, my true self, got fragmented into tiny different pieces and those pieces became my Horcruxes lost somewhere for me to find in recovery. The substance abuse and things that came with it were the supreme act of evil I did against myself. Here I list my seven Horcruxes and the ways they were made.
The Diary of Bullshit, created by killing honesty by lying to oneself and to others.
I had to lie so many times when I was abusing substances. I lied to myself and to others. One could say that an addiction is one of the only illnesses that tells you, you don’t have it. Your head is full of lies because of the addiction so its easy to lie to others too. It’s like you are unable to see the truth so you live in a false reality all the time. You don’t have to do the thinking by yourself anymore. You just do the drinking and the addiction does all the deceit for you. It is like a paracite that takes control of your mind and you are just a puppet offering your body as a home for the addiction.
Now that I am in recovery I want to be mindful of my thoughts. I ask myself if this is a thought I really believe in or is this just something old that doesn’t serve me anymore? Is my world real and am I being honest to myself? I think that reconnecting to ones heart is the key to honesty. It’s easy to speak the truth if you speak from your heart.
The Lost Connection with My Feelings, created by drowning my feelings and living outside of my true self.
Yak, feelings! The best way I could deal with my feelings as an addict still abusing substances was to drink to them. That way I could not hear them. They were too right and too loud. I could not handle feelings sober. I didn’t have the tools that it took.
I think this is a good vlog about how codependency causes depression. “When you have been programmed to suppress your feelings you are not allowing your emotions – which are energy in motion, to flow.
When I got sober all the drowned feelings surfaced. And there was a lot to deal with. Now I know that feelings are there to guide me. I needed tools and help from others. I needed somebody to listen to me when I told them about my feelings without solving them or making me feel like my feelings where wrong. I needed somebody to tell me I was normal and when I got used to my feelings they would get easier to handle. My friends, therapy and mindfulness helped me with this. I learned some good tools to cope with my strong feelings. Feelings come and go. They can’t hurt me, they are there for me to guide me if I just listen.
The Crashed Intimate Relationships, created by pleasing and faking it.
I have been such a people pleaser. I think because of my addiction I had no time to develop a healthy sense of self and self-value. I just went with other people’s views of me. If someone liked me I felt like I was obligated to like them back. I didn’t know how I should feel in a relationship. Usually I started to fulfill the other person’s wishes and lost myself along the way. I always felt there was something wrong with me – and only me – if the relationship was not working. Usually the other person tried them best to fix me and I tried to live up to given standards how I should be. This was not a good dynamic of a relationship and it is why my relationships often got out of balance.
Being in a relationship is still something I work on. And I think it should be something you want to value by nourishing it. Good relationships take maintenance and safe care. I am learning to listen to my own needs and still be there for the other person. Finding balance, intimacy and security in a relationship are things I am working on.
The Lost Connection With Others, created by fake smiles and acting like everything is fine when it was not.
When I was addicted to substances I wasn’t present for my loved ones. I was so caught up in my own bullshit. I had something to hide and to be ashamed of, so I could not reveal myself to others fully. The addiction wanted me to keep hiding what was going on, so it could have its way with me. I was kept by the addiction inside a bottle looking others behind the distorted class.
It was a tough thing to tell other people about my addiction and the problems it had caused me. But it helped. And there were so many people who had lived the same way. Hiding secrets for the addiction parasite. No one was judging the things I told and finally my dirty secrets where out in the light. It was the first time I saw things like they were. Now I feel like I have nothing to hide so I can be me around others and that really helps with being honestly connected to others. Yes, I am an introvert, so I need my own space and my time alone, but I love connecting with others and appreciate when the connection is genuine.
The Distorted Body Image, created by punishing and poisoning my body.
I went to the doctor and the doctor ask if I felt any swelling. I said no, I don’t feel any swelling. Then the doctor felt my stomach and said I had edema all around my body. I thought that my body was just fine. Or I don’t know. I hadn’t been thinking my body’s well-being at all, I was so occupied by my addiction. I didn’t even want to know the blood test results because I was so afraid how they would turn out. I bet my liver wasn’t happy about all the stuff I had been putting it through. I hadn’t been thinking about my body’s well-being for a long time and it was hard to face the facts when I got sober. At first, I didn’t feel connected to my body at all. I felt like I had lived outside my body and I had to incarnate back to it.
Now I ask my body everyday how is it doing. It’s my temple and everything going on with my body affects me. I want to nourish my body and take loving care of it. I appreciate it and thank it for being there and working for me. I don’t hate my body like I used to hate it. My body doesn’t have to be perfect in order for me to be happy. I can look at myself in the mirror and love my lumpy butt and every stretch mark. I don’t go to the gym to punish my body, I do things that make me feel good in my body like yoga and dancing. I still can’t go to the gym without feeling I’m not fit enough. So, I just don’t go there. Instead I focus on things that make me feel good about my body. It took some time to build a good relationship with my body and this relationship too needs loving care.
The Abandoned Inner Child, created by negative self-talk.
If you grew up in an environment where there isn’t a lot of space for child’s needs and little help for a kid to deal with big feelings. Often when you seek for comfort and someone to listen and to understand you, you might get an answer like “Yeah, life is hard.”, “That’s nothing! Get over it!”, “That’s childish, you should stop the nonsense.” or “You’ll grow out of it when you get older.”. Then even as an adult when there isn’t anyone there to tell you these kinds of things it becomes the way you talk to yourself. You might minimize and ignore your feelings.
When I noticed the way, I was talking to myself I started to turn my self-talk around by being the supportive present parent to myself. It was like an old audio tape was stuck on replay in my head. I pay attention to my self-talk and replace the negative with positive affirmation. It might be energy saving to think negatively and let the old audio tapes play but its more rewarding to think of the solutions and turn our thinking into more positive. It is time to get rid of some of the old tunes and to find new ones instead. We can wire our brain again in a new way if we really want to. New, more soft parts of me, started to surface because I know that now there is always someone to understand and comfort me.
The Death of God, crated by shutting my heart, ears and eyes.
Well this one is kind of hard to explain if you haven’t had the same kind of experience as I do. If you have experienced the same kind of a thing I think you know just what I am talking about. As an addict I felt that everything was in my hands or in the addictions hands if you will. I didn’t feel like there was anything bigger than us human. I didn’t have connection to any higher power or what so ever. My higher power feels like the mystical feeling of connection that you might feel when you take a walk in the forest and it seems that you are not alone but a part of something bigger. When I didn’t have that connection, I felt lost and lonely. If there wasn’t anyone else near me witnessing my existence I felt as if I didn’t exist at all. It is a horrible feeling of having no purpose in this world. That kind of feeling might drive you straight back to doing deconstructive things to yourself.
Something happened to me when I had been two years sober. I started to feel a connection with everything around me. I felt like there is a higher power taking care of me and helping me find a way. I wasn’t alone even if I was physically alone. I started to pray and talk to this higher power of mine and I started to see answers to my prayers everywhere. Or maybe the answers where there all along, now I just started to notice them. I had to read books about this because I felt I was going crazy. Conversations with God is a good example of the books I read. Now this feeling of connection with something bigger than me feels natural. And if I can’t feel it so strong, I focus on it. I must be alone and meditate to be connected to this powerful thing. I must listen and every answer I need will appear for example in other people’s stories or as a feeling in my heart.
“There is a voice that doesn’t use words. Listen.” -Rumi
The addiction recovery has been a time of integration for me. Every piece of me the addiction took away has been coming back to me. It has been hard and very interesting. I have been doing this healing with the help of therapy and introspection. I also feel that my recovery has been a natural healing process. If I am open to the changes they will happen, I got to just trust that I am on the right path. If I let myself be me, the lost pieces just find their way back to me and slowly piece by piece they make me hole again. Sometimes things take time and I have been practicing patience. I trust that amazing things will continue to happen for me and everything will happen at it’s right time. I value myself and I am happy to see me grow to the person I was meant to be.
What are your Horcruxes and how are you able to undo those?